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Month: September 2017

Bad day

Bad day

I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then
Alice in Wonderland

Bad day
Not a long time ago I wrote the post; Get my lazy ass out of my chair. This was one of the challenges I set myself a few months ago.
Well, I did, I got my lazy ass out of my chair and 4 months ago I went to the local gym. I signed myself up for the Milon Circle twice a week and I told you all about it in that post.
That was 4 months ago and everything went well until today. Today is a different story, today is a bad day.
You see I was very positive, although I had this funny feeling that I didn’t lose much weight, I kept telling myself that I was doing alright. To know for sure I made and appointment to weigh. I don’t weigh myself at home for I am always disappointed when I step on the scale and nothing happened or I even gained weight. In the past I reacted by starting to eat everything that I could find. This time I decided that wasn’t an option, and so the only place I would weigh, was at the gym and nowhere else.
Before I go any further with my story I want you to keep the following in mind: Every Thursday and Friday morning around eight o’clock I take my mountain bike and go to the gym (about 4km from my home). Then I start with 5 minutes walking, a stability exercise (for my bad knee) and 3x 500m on the rowing machine (I Have to tell you about the rowing later in this story).
After that I do two rounds of the Milon Circle and I end with 5 minutes walking and go back home on my mountain bike (another 4km).
The rest of the week, I once go biking with a friend, and I once go for a long distance walk with another friend or with my dog, and I try to eat as healthy as possible(although I still can’t refuse a nice glass of wine or whiskey).

Illusions
Lets go back to this morning, 15 weeks after I started this whole circus. I was rather positive when I entered the room to weigh and within 5 minutes that chanced completely.
Guess what? In 15 weeks I lost only 2kg….grrrrrr. 2KG IN 15 WEEKS?? I was so disappointed, confused, even angry. 15 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!! Was that all??? Did I do all the hard working for 2KG IN 15 WEEKS ???? What was happening? Where did this go wrong…What did I do wrong?
The instructor that did the weighing said something about an eating program they have but I was still processing, and told him I would think about it. The only thing that went on in my mind was not having lost a significant amount of weight. I couldn’t believe it.
At that point I had to start my program for the day, but the more I thought about it the more my body refused to do anything. My legs got heavy and I couldn’t stop thinking why I didn’t lose more weight. Not even my music could help me set my mind free of thinking. There was not a song that could cheer me up. Not even Bad day (Daniel Powter).
So when another instructor asked me in the end; Did it all go well?, I almost shouted at her; NO, not at all. I was about to quit, to give up. In my opinion I did everything as I should and this was the result? I was done with it.
We talked for a bit and all we could think off was that it had something to do with my eating pattern. It couldn’t be the exercising, I did enough and I worked hard.
She also told me about the eating program I could follow. I don’t know. I have tried so many diets, is there a guarantee that this will work?
A woman next to me couldn’t help overhearing our conversation and told me that she recognized my problem and she just started this program 4 weeks ago and already lost 6kg.
Well it gives me something to think about when I am in Scotland for the next two weeks.
Maybe I should try this.
For this moment the only positive thing that came to my mind, was, whether I was going to do it or not, this bad day already gave me enough to write another good story.

The rowing machine
As I promised you I was going to tell you about my rowing adventure.
One of the things I added to my program a couple of weeks ago was: rowing.
I had seen one of those instruction films where John and Sam explain the rowing machine. And I said to myself: I can do that. I said to myself that I would row twice a week, 3 x 500m with 2 minutes of rest and I even challenged myself that when those 5 weeks were over I did 500m below 2.00min. I even kept a schedule of the results.
Do you feel it coming; that was the understatement of the year. I have done it for 5 weeks and my second best time for 500m is 2.14min.
And if I told you how I got that time you will probably die of laughing.
You see at one morning when I entered the gym, did my walking and my stability exercises, there was already a young man sitting on one of the three rowing machines. I didn’t want to go sit next to him so I left one between us. Unfortunately I couldn’t find my rowing program on the machine, and had to switch to the one next to him.
For those who know me; I don’t give up easily, I don’t quite and I always think I can do what somebody else does. I get fanatic when somebody else goes harder, further, higher etc. It doesn’t matter it just happens. If I start playing a game I want to win. Afterwards I always ask myself: Was it wise? No of course not, the man was probably half my age and I could never beat him. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t try…..
Already in my first 500m I wanted to follow him in his tempo. So wrong, so foolish, but I couldn’t help myself I went along and really I can tell you after 250m I thought I was going to die. So that’s how I got my second best time.
But this week, without distraction I did 500m in 2.12min. So you see I don’t need a good looking man beside me to challenge myself, although………

Mama

Mama

Hey mama don’t stress your mind
We ain’t coming home tonight
Hey mama, we gonna be alright
Dry those eyes
We’ll be back in the morning
When the sun starts to rise
So mama don’t stress your mind
– Mama, Jonas Blue –

Mama
Thank you very much, Mr. Blue for writing this song. It cheers me up every time I hear it. It gives me the reassurance that in the end everything will be alright. And really, believe it or not, as a mom I need that sometimes. You see, I’m that kind of mama who lies awake at night waiting for her children to climb up the stairs and whisper: ‘I’m home mama, sleep tight!’. I don’t think I’m the only one.
I wonder do you have children of your own Mr. Blue? And particularly a daughter? I don’t think so, otherwise you wouldn’t have said it so easily, that I shouldn’t stress my mind. Well I can tell you, Mr. Blue, that is easier said than done, because Mr. Blue, that’s about all you do having children. You stress your mind!
From the day they were born up until now they completely turn your life upside down. If they’re in pain, you are. If they feel alright, you do. Suddenly you feel a lot of responsibility.
So Mr. Blue when you tell me that they are going to be alright, that they will be back in the morning when the sun starts to rise, I know you’re right, but there’s always a little chance something bad happens and I will not be there to help them, to protect them.
On the other hand I know that every year they grow older you have to let them go, little by little, and how hard it is letting them go. They don’t only grow in height, weight and in age but also in their minds and they seem to need us a little less every day and when they do need you, it’s in a different way.
They need your advice, sometimes your opinion and even then they make their own choices. Just as they should. But for me as a mother it’s scary to let them go.
And then suddenly the moment is here. This week our daughter will left the house to do an internship at a pretty large soccer club in the eastern part of the Netherlands. Our son started at a new school and will be gone every three weeks. This is going to be the year I literally have to let them go. And you know: I know they will be all right…..
You see, Nelson Mandela told me in a poem, just as you did with your song:

Letting go

To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring: it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another;

I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.
-Nelson Mandela-

On the other hand seeing them grow up to be confident individuals makes me proud. I am proud of who they are and what they do.
This summer I had a little preview of how it’s going to be when we are no longer living under the same roof. I don’t think I will suffer from an empty nest syndrome but I will certainly miss them. I will miss having them around me for they and their friends bring so much joy.
I love it when they bring home their friends. We sit around the dinner table with something to drink and a snack and talk about all kinds of subjects.
It’s the talking that makes those moments so precious. Me and my husband hear a lot of what’s keeping them busy and I can tell you it’s not only about boys and girls, going out, make-up, clothes and money. A lot of serious topics are discussed. They actually start thinking about their future.
They let us listen to their music and we let them listen to our music. Some of our songs come back in a rather modern versions which, according to them, is much better. Mostly we don’t agree.
And at the end of the evening, early in the night, they go out and we go to bed, because they are young and we are a little bit older……
And every morning as the sun starts to rise they will be back. Thank you Mr. Blue for your confirmation!
For you see: To let go is to fear less and love more.